Stuck Jeep Joke

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?"

asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him thekeys, "*Yours* is."

Submarine Joke

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.

He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir',it's real simple.

Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface.

Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

A dog for a wife

It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his firstassignment, and it was guard duty.A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk.

The nervousyoung Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute,and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the saluteand said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going todisagree with the General, so the he saluted again andreplied "Sir, Yes Sir!"

.The General continued, "You know there's something about astormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just aprivate, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever,the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said"Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Six Day War

During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune.

The commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli.

The soldier sprints ahead of theadvancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune.

The general stops the troops and waits to see what happens.Nothing happens.

The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to investigate.

All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be seen again.

The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, too.

Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entiredivision to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and cups his hands to his lips.

"Go back!"

he shouts.

"Go back!

It's hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"

Change for a dollar

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar.

He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor floors, and asked him, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "Sure."

The Corporal turned red.

He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer!

Now let's try it again.

Private, do you have change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "No, SIR!"

Parachute Joke

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.The corporal explained the procedure "You count toten and pull the first ripcord.

If the chute doesn'topen, pull the second.

That should do it.

Then, afteryou land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!"

and jumped out of the plane.

He counted toten and pulled the ripcord.

The chute failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open.

As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that goddamn truck won't be there either!"

Airborne School

A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a group of new troops on making a proper jump.

He told them:"When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up.

When I yell hook up,you hook up.

When you go out the door, yell 'Geronimo!' and wait for your shoot to open.

Got It?

Good, get in the plane."

After a short flight he yelled "Stand UP!

Hook UP!"

and beganshoving the troops out the door.

Just after the last trooperexited, the sergeant shut the door.

Suddenly, he heard someoneknocking on the door.

He opened it to see a private flapping his arms trying to imitate a seagull.

The private looked him in the eye and asked What did you say that SOB's name was?

Sales Strategy

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advisednew recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this,the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, thegovernment has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.

But, if you don'thave a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government onlyhas to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"

Russian War College

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?"

another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion.

How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "Think about it.

In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key.

For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews"?

How The Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people.

One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Good News. Bad News.

My doctor said, “I have some bad news and some good news.”


I said, “ Okay, “give me the bad news.”

He said, “Well, It’s all how you regard something like this, but you show definite signs of homosexuality.”

I said, “Oh, come on. What in the world is the good news?”

He said, “The good news is, I think you’re cute.”

Juggler

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "Why ya driving so fast for boy? You going to a fair? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.

Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"
The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."
The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

Season Tickets

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

Ugly Teacher

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Boss Joke

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

Golf Joke

John and his friend George go golfing together one Saturday morning, as they have done for 24 years straight. Yes, you might say these guys were fanatics about their golfing.
Later that day, John returns home exhausted, and plops down in the easy chair. His wife is concerned and asks if something went wrong with his game.
"No, no," he replied, "I had the best game I had in years! As a matter of fact, I started out the first three holes at 4 under par, including a hole-in-two on the 3rd."
"So why are you so beat?" his wife asked.
"Well, George had a heart attack and died on the 4th hole," he said.
"What?!? And you're so exhausted from trying to save him, huh?"
"No, It was very quick and there was nothing anyone could've done. But after that, it was just hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George..."

Eye Doctor

A man kept going to the eye doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem. He said, "Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can't drink tea." So the patient said, "But I love tea." The doctor replied, "Okay, as long as you take the spoon out."

Frightened Patient

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Smart Dog

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummelling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Hooker Joke

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”

Priest Joke

Two elder priests take the new priest out fishing. As they're sitting and conversing in the boat, one elder priest says, "Man, I need to stretch my legs." So he stands up, steps out of the boat ONTO THE WATER, and takes a few steps around. The younger priest is astounded, but says nothing.

The other elder priest says, "My legs are cramped too. I think I'll take a walk." He stands up, steps out of the boat onto the water, and walks around a bit. The younger priest is in disbelief. He thinks to himself, if they can do it, I can too. I have just as much faith as they do.

So he gets up, steps out of the boat... and promptly sinks under water. The elder priests pull him back in the boat and say nothing. The younger sits a few minutes, embarrassed, but thinks, I have as much faith as they do. Gets up, steps out of the boat, and sinks. The elder priests pull him back in.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, one elder priest says to the other, "Well, Bob, should we show him where the rocks are?"

Curfew

At 11 p.m. curfew was imposed in Belfast.
Everybody had to be off the streets by 9 p.m.
However one citizen was shot at 8.45 p.m.
'Why did you do that?' the soldier was asked.
'I know where he lives,' he replied, 'and he wouldn't have made it.'

Tourist Joke

A tourist in Florida was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator teeth," said the Indian. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.""Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

In case of an accident

If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name address, phone number, insurance information, etc., on this paper. But I'm not!"

On The Train

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

At The Convention

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

Accident

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

Cop Joke

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Policeman Joke

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

Husband and Wife Joke

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

The Pope

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

At The Post Office

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."

Waiter Joke

Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!

Manager Joke

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife -- you can go to the office and do some work.

Tax Advisor Joke

The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

24 Hours

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Pregnant Wife

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Doctor Joke

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

In Space

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Astronaut Joke

An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"

Test Gun

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!"

What's the difference?

What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Programmer Joke

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

Dentist Joke

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Bush and Hussein Joke

Saddam Hussein called President Bush and said, "George, I had a wonderful
dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I
saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mr. Bush asked.

Saddam replied, "LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN."

Mr. Bush responded, "You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last
night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more
beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an
enormous banner."

"What did the banners say?" Saddam asked.

"I don't know," replied Mr. Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."

Polish Army Joke

Question: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?

Answer: Turn off the carousel.

Parrot Joke

A new parrot keeps cursing and won't stop it, so the owner throws him in the freezer for 10 minutes.
After he gets out, he promises never to curse again. Then asked, By the way, what did the turkey do?

Ways To Annoy People

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing.
For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Insist that your e-mail address be or
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Don’t use any punctuation As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are.
Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Software

At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would immediately get off the plane?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone takeoff.

Blonde in the Everglades

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades
whileon vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes
in theworst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors
were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just
go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you
go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same
young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward
her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and
hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly
up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The
blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP !
THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

Old Age Jokes

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and
discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're
not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your
money does..

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to
you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of
your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make
sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on
your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on
your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't
care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts
falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even
remember being on top of it.

Funny

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!"

"Duuuuuuuuuude!" the Monkey says when he looks down. "How much water did you drink?!"

Cutting down

After our last child was born, my wife told me we had to cut back on expenses -- in fact, she said, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up, and everything was fine until I noticed the other day when she came home from shopping. The receipt included $45 worth of makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute! I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you!"

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I'm not sure yet, but I don't think she'll be back.

Brewer's Convention

At a world brewing convention, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of the day's conference.

The CEO of Fosters shouts to the barman: "Pour me a Fosters, mate!"

The CEO of Budweiser is next: "Gimme a Bud, sir!"

Then the CEO of Beck's: "Ein Becks, danke."

Then they all turn to the CEO of Guinness, who says "Barman, would ya give me a diet Coke w' ice and lemon, thanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually one asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies, "Well, if you bleedin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I."

The Burglary

"Wait'll you hear this!" said a guy to his friends as he arrived for their regular nightly drinking session. "Last night a burglar broke into my house!"

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.

"He sure did!" the guy said. "A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a concussion!"

"But you were here with us!" one of his buddies said. "How did all that happen?"

"Well," the guy said, tossing back his first one of the evening. "It was really late and my wife figured it was me coming home drunk, and trying to sneak in through the window!"

Words Women Use -- and What They Mean

"Fine" -- This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

"Five Minutes" -- If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

"Nothing" -- This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

"Go Ahead" -- This is a dare, not permission. Proceed with extreme caution!

Loud Sigh -- Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

"That's OK" -- This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

"Thanks" -- This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say "you're welcome" and back out of the room slowly.

Foreign Language

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

Disgusted, the Swiss guy drives off. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages and it didn't do him one bit of good."

Artist Joke

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.


"Give me the good news first," the artist demanded.

"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could possibly be the bad news?"

With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

Lessons in Corporate Finance

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it," the wife says, quickly wrapping herself up in a towel and running downstairs.


When she opens the door she finds Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $750 to drop that towel you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds of rapt appreciation, Bob hands her $750 and leaves. Confused but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps herself back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she returns to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob from next door," she replies.

"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $750 I lent him last night?"

Corporate Lesson Learned: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your stakeholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Best Salesman

A young guy from California moves to Colorado and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was named 'Best Salesman in the State' back home in California."

Well, the boss liked the idea of that, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."


His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"So, Mr. Best Salesman in the State," the boss says, "how many sales did you make?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one?! My sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss is staggered -- that's more than what everyone together averages. "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

"Let's see," the kid says. "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then I asked him what he was going to pull it with, and he said he had a Honda Civic. I told him that wasn't big enough for a boat that heavy, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a new V8 SUV."

"Wow!" the boss said. "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'..."

Satan Joke

Satan was complaining bitterly to God: "You made the world so that it was not fair."

And God said, "Yes."


"And you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes."

And God said, "Yes."

"Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault."

And God said, "Uh huh. So?"

"Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.

Globalization Joke

Finally, here is a definition of globalization anyone can understand:

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?


Answer:

An English princess
riding with her Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk on Scottish whisky,

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

who were riding Japanese motorcycles.

Di was treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent around by a Canadian,

using American technology,

and you're probably reading this on your

computer that uses Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to your retailer by Mexican illegals.

That, my friends, is Globalization.

Bus Stop

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the first step.


Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl was now mortified, and turned around furiously and told the man off. "How dare you touch my body that way," she yelled. "I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly for the third time, I kinda figured that we must be pretty good friends."

Before It Starts....

guy comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair, turns on the TV, tells his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looks a little puzzled, but brought him the beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer before it starts!"

She blows her top and screams,
"Thats it you bastard! You waltz in her, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Don't you realize that I cook, clean, wash, and iron all day long????"

He sighs and says "Oh Shit, its started!"

A Mistake

"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes
of another?" a parishioner asked his minister.

"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"Yes, my son, absolutely."

"OK. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning
that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?"

Politics Joke

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: Im the breadwinner of the family, so lets call me capitalism. Your Mom, shes the administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. Were here to take care of your needs, so well call you the people. The nanny, well consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Responsible

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant, telling his wife she needs to be more responsible about her belongings.

When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

Happy Marriage Joke

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
"What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"
She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

Lawyer Joke: Game of Intellegence

A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.

The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Bar Joke: Designated Decoy

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

Sexy Watch

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, that’s a really fancy watch.” Thanks, says the guy, “It’s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it’ll answer me, telepathically.”

“Rubbish,” says the girl.

“No, it’s true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, I’ll prove it. I’ll ask it if you’ve got any panties on.”

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you haven’t got any panties on.”

“Well, it’s wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.”

“Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “it’s an hour fast!”

Waiting Room

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”

The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.” The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”

Human Resource Lingo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Envelopes

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.

He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

Job Application

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Business Concepts

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

Condom Factory

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything. George Bush hung up and called the CEO of a condom company. "I need a favor. Can you send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," replied the CEO of the condom company.

"Good! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one."

Buy Your Own Present

After her 90th Birthday, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead.

On each card she wrote, "Buy your own present," and she mailed them early.

Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk.

Under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks which she had forgotten to enclose.

Late for work

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had
shown up for work 45 minutes late.

"It was so slippery that, for every step I took ahead,
I slipped back two."

The boss eyed him suspiciously.
"Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

New Computer

The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or Retreat?"

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"

The computer instantly replies, "Yes, sir!"

Two Guys

Sam says... "Man o' man... did you see that Blonde?" and the Joseph says "Where?"

Sam says "Just went into that store!"

...a little later Sam says "Wow!... Did you see that Redhead?"... and again Joseph says "Where?... Where?"

Sam says "Just turned the corner!"

a little further down the street... Sam says "Did you see that?"... and Joseph says "Yes!"... and Sam says "So why did you step in it?"

10 things not to say at a job interview

10 things not to say at a job interview.

10. Would I be a manager or would I have to do real work?
09. I think this phone is tapped. Can we meet at your house instead?
08. What's their policy on sexual harrasment?
07. When you say source code, what exactly to you mean by that?
06. My boss had an issue with on-the-job nudity. Is that a problem?
05. I'm not sure the FBI will let me work on computers anymore.
04. Oh sure, I know those guys. I already hacked into their web site.
03. This is great timing; They've just asked me to pack up my desk.
02. You know the Melissa Virus? That was my idea!
01. My manager has a restraining order against me anyways.

Tennis

A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise so he decided to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asked him how he was doing.
"It's going fine", the manager said, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!".
"Really? What happens then?", the girl asked enthusiastically.
"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"

Truck Joke

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Bank Joke

...a guy walks into a bank and says "I want to open a f****** account."

Assistant manager says "That's no problem but that language isn't necessary."

The guy says "I want to open a f****** account."


Assistant manager decides to call the manager who says to the guy "Can I help you?"

Guy: "I want to open a f****** account."

Manager: "No problem but that language isn't necessary. How much do you want the account for?"

Guy: "Five billion dollars"

Manager: "And this f***head won't help you?"

Golden Saloon Joke

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!

Hired Help Joke

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''