Funny Jokes

Hotel Joke

2008-09-28T09:22:00.001-07:00

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"

"Please wait, someone else is using it."

Accountant Joke

2008-09-27T06:47:00.001-07:00

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

Judge Joke

2008-09-26T07:07:00.001-07:00

Judge: "Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?"
Defendant: "Yes, it's true."
Judge: "Then, why don't you just pay him back?"
Defendant: "Because it wouldn't be true anymore."

Doctors Joke

2008-09-25T07:18:00.001-07:00

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

Dentist Joke

2008-09-24T07:00:00.001-07:00

Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.

Teacher Joke

2008-09-23T06:50:00.001-07:00

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

Doctor Joke

2008-09-22T06:57:00.001-07:00

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

Drunker Joke

2008-09-21T06:40:00.001-07:00

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

Fisher JOke

2008-09-20T07:00:00.001-07:00

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

Barber JOke

2008-09-19T07:31:00.001-07:00

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God�s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

Drunker Joke

2008-09-18T06:49:00.001-07:00

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"

Doctor and Lawyer JOke

2008-09-17T07:17:00.001-07:00

A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, "Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning."

The doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice. The next morning
he took out the list, just as his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.

Mechanic Joke

2008-09-16T06:55:00.001-07:00

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

Doctor Joke

2008-09-15T07:12:00.001-07:00

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Doctor Joke

2008-09-14T07:05:00.001-07:00

"Doctor I keep stealing things. What can I do?"

"Try to resist the temptation but if you can't, get me a new television"

Boy friend Joke

2008-09-13T06:41:00.001-07:00

Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"

"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."

Murderer Joke

2008-09-12T08:19:00.001-07:00

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests? Asked the chaplain.

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

Doctor Joke

2008-09-11T07:10:00.001-07:00

A man with two red ears went to his doctor.

Doctor: "What happened to your ears?

Man: "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

Doctor: "Oh Dear! But...what happened to your other ear?"

Man: "The scoundrel called back."

Teacher Joke

2008-09-10T06:46:00.001-07:00

TEACHER (TO ROHIT): ROHIT, WHERE IS THE HIMALAYA MOUNTAIN?
ROHIT: I DON'T KNOW.
TEACHER: STAND ON YOUR BENCH!
ROHIT: I STILL CAN'T SEE IT!

Teacher Joke

2008-09-09T05:53:00.001-07:00

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : Why?
Student : Ladies first.

Teacher joke

2008-09-08T06:40:00.001-07:00

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. Jackson: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS: Jackson!

Father son Joke

2008-09-07T06:57:00.001-07:00

Son: Why does Grandpa have no hair on his head? Father: It is a sign of Intelligence. Son: Now, I know why your hair is so long.

Begger Joke

2008-09-06T06:16:00.001-07:00

One day a man saw a beggar on the street. He went to him and said, "If you stop begging I will pay you Rs 1000 per month".

In reply the beggar said "Come and beg with me and I will pay you Rs5000 per month.

Doctor Joke

2008-09-05T07:09:00.001-07:00

Father:" Thanks a lot doctor for saving my sons life.

Doctor:" It's God who has saved your life.

After sometime.

Doctor:" My fee??"

Father:"ll send it to God through money order"!!

Applicant Joke

2008-09-04T06:20:00.001-07:00

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"

"I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."

Accountant Joke

2008-09-03T11:19:00.001-07:00

An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

Engineer Joke

2008-09-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Salesman Joke

2008-09-01T06:55:00.001-07:00

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.

Doctor Joke

2008-08-31T06:49:00.001-07:00

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Police Joke

2008-08-30T08:07:00.001-07:00

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"

Father son Joke

2008-08-29T06:41:00.001-07:00

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."

Lawyer Joke

2008-08-28T07:11:00.001-07:00

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Mathematician Joke

2008-08-27T09:01:00.001-07:00

Why mathematicians are afraid drive a car?
Because the width of the road is negligible comparing to its length.

Doctors JOke

2008-08-26T07:19:00.001-07:00

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Teacher Joke

2008-08-25T22:46:00.001-07:00

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

marriage joke

2008-08-24T09:16:00.001-07:00

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

Marriage Joke

2008-07-28T20:57:00.001-07:00

QUESTION: What is honeymoon?
ANSWER: That brief span of time between, "I do" and "Youd better!"

Boss Joke

2008-07-25T21:11:00.000-07:00

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise
visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he
noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.

"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner
angrily.

"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.

Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner
counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and
said "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come
back!"

Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has
that lazy bum been working here anyway?"

"He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just
here to deliver a pizza!"

Trial Joke

2008-07-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"

The Whole Truth

2008-07-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."

Animal Joke

2008-07-20T11:43:00.001-07:00

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab. On their first night out they find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.

The next day they find an entire field full of female rabbits. They all do what rabbits do best, and the trio sleep throughout the night.

The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says the first one.

"I'm gonna go back to those cute little girl rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

Cop Joke

2008-07-19T15:15:00.001-07:00

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.

Salesman Joke

2008-07-18T20:26:00.001-07:00

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

Cross Examination Joke

2008-07-18T20:24:00.001-07:00

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Sherlock Holmes Joke

2008-07-16T22:22:00.001-07:00

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

Funny One Liners

2008-07-05T08:26:00.001-07:00

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
In two words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. S$$T HAPPENS!.
Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

Affair Joke

2008-07-04T22:18:00.001-07:00

Two women meet at the gates of heaven
1st woman:howd you die?
2nd woman:froze to death, you?
1st woman:Heart attack, I thought my husband was having an affair so I ran all around the house looking for the woman and when I couldnt find her I was so worn out I had a heart attack and died.
2nd woman: You should have checked the freezer then we'd both still be alive.

An Ethical Question

2008-06-27T06:43:00.000-07:00

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney’s mind: “Do I tell my partner?”

Final Exam

2008-06-20T14:30:00.001-07:00

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

Another Lawyer Joke

2008-06-20T14:27:00.001-07:00

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

Good Night Sleep

2008-06-20T14:23:00.000-07:00

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Pirate In A Bar

2008-06-10T11:05:00.000-07:00

A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?"

"I was swept overboard during a fierce storm," says the pirate. "and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!"

"Holy cow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook, how'd you get that?"

"Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!"

"Absolutely incredible!" gasped the sailor. "And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?"

"A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate.

"Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" asked the sailor, admonished.

Embarassed, the pirate answered "It was me first day with the hook."

Vote for your city's best dining and nightlife. City's Best 2008.

Is this a joke?

2008-05-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman an American,and a Scotsman walked into a bar.
The barman said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"

Joke: To Catch A Rabbit

2008-05-09T19:45:00.001-07:00

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Lawyer Joke

2008-04-12T13:23:00.001-07:00

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

marriage counseling

2008-04-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

Earl and Bubba two guys from Elmore County

are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing

and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't

spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better

think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Father - Daughter Talk

2008-04-05T16:03:00.000-07:00

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like
so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in
favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other
words, redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures
that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a
professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil,
selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher
taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The
self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be
the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by
asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0
GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she
was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying,
which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew.
She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have
many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy
class es, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is
so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always
invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show
up for classes! because she's too hung over."

Her father asked her, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and
ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend
Audrey, who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA
and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily
fired back, "That's a crazy idea. How would that be fair? I've
worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and
a lot of hard work. Audrey has done next to nothing toward her
degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently "Welcome to the
Republican Party.”

Jesus is watching you

2008-03-22T14:44:00.001-07:00

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that Would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."

Language Joke

2008-03-22T14:41:00.001-07:00

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Monkeys

2008-03-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to
the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers
seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest,
and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as
supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed
the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back
to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone
catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has
collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns
from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers
rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys
everywhere!

Now you have an understanding of how the stock market works.

Yet Another Blonde Joke

2007-12-18T22:38:00.001-08:00

that wanted to be a movie star. She traveled all the way to California and ran out of money. A friend suggested she go into the better neighborhoods and go door to door offering to work. She knocked on one door and told the young man that she needed money and would do anything for $100. The young fellow thought a moment and said: "I'll tell you what. If you paint my porch, I will give you $100 when you finish." The blonde agreed, the young man gave her a gallon of paint, and went back inside. About 30 minutes later, there is a knock on the door and the young man answers and finds the blonde standing there."I'm all finished she said." "You finished the entire porch already?", the young man asked. "Yes" said the blonde. "But I have to tell you it is a Porsche, not a porch."

Old Debt

2007-12-18T22:36:00.001-08:00

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you"

Husband and Wife Joke

2007-12-18T22:34:00.001-08:00

THINK, THINK, THINK..........

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure. It's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably. It is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No. I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"

HUSBAND: "Yes. Those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No. She's left-handed."

WIFE: - silence -

HUSBAND: " . . . ohh #%*!!!!"

Parrot Joke

2007-12-03T17:51:00.001-08:00

A lady was walking down the street

to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly!”
Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly!”
She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly.”
The lady was so incensed that she went into the store and threatened to sue the store to rid herself of the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey, lady!”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”

Men and Women Joke

2007-12-03T17:48:00.001-08:00

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, noting then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
Recently she returned to Kuwait and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,” she said. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”

The Kuwaiti woman replied, “Land mines.”

Lawyer Joke

2007-12-03T17:47:00.001-08:00

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you’ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um…no.”

“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. “ Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident,” the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea…”

“So if I don’t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?”

Old Man Joke

2007-12-03T17:46:00.001-08:00

having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I've never been better!” he boasted. “I've got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

Replied the doctor, “That’s kind of what I'm getting at.”

Gorilla Joke

2007-12-03T17:44:00.000-08:00

One morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree, staring back at him. He tried unsuccessfully to get the gorilla to leave, so he called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with: a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. “Now listen carefully,” the serviceman told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for the privates of the animal, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs!” “Got it.” the homeowner replied. “But what's the shotgun for?” “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” said the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua.”

Nun Joke

2007-12-03T17:42:00.001-08:00

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. “Who is it?” calls one of the nuns. “Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two naked nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. “Nice boobs,” says the man, “now, where do you want these blinds?”

Husband And Wife Joke

2007-12-03T17:35:00.001-08:00

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

“What’s wrong with you?” She asked him.

“Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?” he replied. “And remember he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.”

Baffled, she said, “Yes, I remember, so what?”

“I would have gotten out today.”

Train Joke

2007-12-03T17:34:00.001-08:00

Man and a woman, strangers, share a berth on a x-country train. Nighttime falls and they turn down the bunks.

A couple of hours go by. Guy, in the top bunk, leans over, says "excuse me, miss, its a bit chilly, would you pass up a blanket?"

"I've got a better idea," says the woman throatily. "Why don't we pretend we're married?"

"Uhh, sure,"says the guy, "that sounds great!"

"OK," she says turning over, "get your own damn blanket."

About To Start

2007-12-03T17:28:00.000-08:00

Guy comes home from work and sits down on the couch.

"Hey Honey, get me a beer. It's about to start!" Wifey brings a cold one, and he chugs it right down.

"Hey Honey," he says again, "get me a beer. It's about to start!" Wifey brings another cold one and he chugs it right down.

"Hey Honey, get me a-"

"WHY YOU GOOD FOR NUTHIN SON OF A B*TCH, I CLEAN THIS HOUSE AND TAKE CARE OF THESE KIDS ALL DAY, DID THE SHOPPIN, COOKED DIN-"

"There we go!" he says, 'It's started!"

Perfect Man Joke

2007-09-01T19:08:00.001-07:00

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

Polish Joke

2007-09-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

A man walks in to a store, slams his hand on the counter and says," i would like a kielbasa sandwich".
the store owner replies"you MUST be polish ! "
the first man is offended....."why must i be polish, if i order speghetti am i italian? if i order a taco am i mexican ? if i order lo mein ,am i chinese ???"
"no " replies the store owner.
"so why am i polish???????"
"Because THIS is a hardware store !!!"

Stuck Jeep Joke

2007-08-18T07:18:00.001-07:00

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?"

asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him thekeys, "*Yours* is."

Submarine Joke

2007-08-18T07:13:00.000-07:00

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.

He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir',it's real simple.

Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface.

Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

A dog for a wife

2007-08-18T07:11:00.001-07:00

It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his firstassignment, and it was guard duty.A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk.

The nervousyoung Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute,and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the saluteand said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going todisagree with the General, so the he saluted again andreplied "Sir, Yes Sir!"

.The General continued, "You know there's something about astormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just aprivate, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever,the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said"Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Six Day War

2007-08-18T06:56:00.001-07:00

During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune.

The commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli.

The soldier sprints ahead of theadvancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune.

The general stops the troops and waits to see what happens.Nothing happens.

The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to investigate.

All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be seen again.

The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, too.

Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entiredivision to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and cups his hands to his lips.

"Go back!"

he shouts.

"Go back!

It's hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"

Change for a dollar

2007-08-18T06:51:00.001-07:00

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar.

He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor floors, and asked him, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "Sure."

The Corporal turned red.

He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer!

Now let's try it again.

Private, do you have change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "No, SIR!"

Parachute Joke

2007-08-18T06:49:00.000-07:00

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.The corporal explained the procedure "You count toten and pull the first ripcord.

If the chute doesn'topen, pull the second.

That should do it.

Then, afteryou land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!"

and jumped out of the plane.

He counted toten and pulled the ripcord.

The chute failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open.

As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that goddamn truck won't be there either!"

Airborne School

2007-08-18T06:48:00.001-07:00

A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a group of new troops on making a proper jump.

He told them:"When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up.

When I yell hook up,you hook up.

When you go out the door, yell 'Geronimo!' and wait for your shoot to open.

Got It?

Good, get in the plane."

After a short flight he yelled "Stand UP!

Hook UP!"

and beganshoving the troops out the door.

Just after the last trooperexited, the sergeant shut the door.

Suddenly, he heard someoneknocking on the door.

He opened it to see a private flapping his arms trying to imitate a seagull.

The private looked him in the eye and asked What did you say that SOB's name was?

Sales Strategy

2007-08-18T06:46:00.001-07:00

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advisednew recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this,the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, thegovernment has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.

But, if you don'thave a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government onlyhas to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"

Russian War College

2007-08-18T06:41:00.001-07:00

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?"

another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion.

How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "Think about it.

In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key.

For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews"?

How The Government Works

2007-08-18T06:37:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people.

One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Good News. Bad News.

2007-08-18T06:17:00.000-07:00

My doctor said, “I have some bad news and some good news.”

I said, “ Okay, “give me the bad news.”

He said, “Well, It’s all how you regard something like this, but you show definite signs of homosexuality.”

I said, “Oh, come on. What in the world is the good news?”

He said, “The good news is, I think you’re cute.”

Juggler

2007-08-18T06:15:00.001-07:00

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "Why ya driving so fast for boy? You going to a fair? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.

Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"
The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."
The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

Season Tickets

2007-08-17T13:04:00.001-07:00

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

Ugly Teacher

2007-08-17T12:57:00.001-07:00

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Boss Joke

2007-08-17T12:55:00.001-07:00

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

Golf Joke

2007-08-17T12:43:00.001-07:00

John and his friend George go golfing together one Saturday morning, as they have done for 24 years straight. Yes, you might say these guys were fanatics about their golfing.
Later that day, John returns home exhausted, and plops down in the easy chair. His wife is concerned and asks if something went wrong with his game.
"No, no," he replied, "I had the best game I had in years! As a matter of fact, I started out the first three holes at 4 under par, including a hole-in-two on the 3rd."
"So why are you so beat?" his wife asked.
"Well, George had a heart attack and died on the 4th hole," he said.
"What?!? And you're so exhausted from trying to save him, huh?"
"No, It was very quick and there was nothing anyone could've done. But after that, it was just hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George..."

Eye Doctor

2007-08-17T12:40:00.000-07:00

A man kept going to the eye doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem. He said, "Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can't drink tea." So the patient said, "But I love tea." The doctor replied, "Okay, as long as you take the spoon out."

Frightened Patient

2007-08-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Smart Dog

2007-08-17T12:37:00.001-07:00

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummelling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Hooker Joke

2007-08-17T12:32:00.001-07:00

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”

Priest Joke

2007-08-17T12:26:00.001-07:00

Two elder priests take the new priest out fishing. As they're sitting and conversing in the boat, one elder priest says, "Man, I need to stretch my legs." So he stands up, steps out of the boat ONTO THE WATER, and takes a few steps around. The younger priest is astounded, but says nothing.

The other elder priest says, "My legs are cramped too. I think I'll take a walk." He stands up, steps out of the boat onto the water, and walks around a bit. The younger priest is in disbelief. He thinks to himself, if they can do it, I can too. I have just as much faith as they do.

So he gets up, steps out of the boat... and promptly sinks under water. The elder priests pull him back in the boat and say nothing. The younger sits a few minutes, embarrassed, but thinks, I have as much faith as they do. Gets up, steps out of the boat, and sinks. The elder priests pull him back in.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, one elder priest says to the other, "Well, Bob, should we show him where the rocks are?"

Curfew

2007-08-17T12:17:00.001-07:00

At 11 p.m. curfew was imposed in Belfast.
Everybody had to be off the streets by 9 p.m.
However one citizen was shot at 8.45 p.m.
'Why did you do that?' the soldier was asked.
'I know where he lives,' he replied, 'and he wouldn't have made it.'

Tourist Joke

2007-08-17T12:11:00.000-07:00

A tourist in Florida was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator teeth," said the Indian. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.""Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

In case of an accident

2007-08-14T23:29:00.001-07:00

If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name address, phone number, insurance information, etc., on this paper. But I'm not!"

On The Train

2007-08-14T23:25:00.000-07:00

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

At The Convention

2007-08-14T23:23:00.001-07:00

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"